This is normal?

One thing you are not warned about as a new parent is that you will be expected to know a good deal about what your precious bundle is producing. Without forewarning, you will be faced with something like my first pediatrician visit.


Pediatrician: How of often does she have bowel movements?
Me: Uh, alot.
Pediatrician: What color are they?
Me: Uh, poop colored, I guess. Black?
Pediatrician: This poop in her diaper now looks green.
Me: (amazed) Well, looky there, that's new!

My poor pediatrician did not accuse me of being a bad parent, but I could interpret that I was supposed to know the answers and not be shocked that my baby's poop went from the Creature from the Black Lagoon to Swamp Thing. Well, since I do have this time off from work and all, I best become the poop connoisseur that new moms are apparently supposed to be. May I present the first ever issue of...

Poop Spectator 2007

Meconium - A beginner's poo for clearing the bowels - Overall Score 89
Nose: Hardly any distint smell but a hint of grassiness
Color and Clarity: Ranging from black to dark green. Consistency is tar like and sticky.
Best Paired With: Uterine leftovers

Transitional - A more advanced poo Overall Score 84
Nose: A slightly headier aroma with pleasant undertones of spoiled milk
Color and Clarity: Consistency of Natural peanut butter, grainy and mustard colored.
Best Paired with: Three of four days of new food

Formula - A consistent poo for the connoisseur - Overall Score 87
Nose: Still light and not very fragrant, some unpleasant notes of swamp gas begin to work in
Color and Clarity: Seedy and mustard like, looking much like transitional stools but firmer (though still more like very mushy peanut butter than a pellet)
Special Notes: Breast fed babies will have very similar but looser stools.
Best Paired with: Bottle feeding

So armed with this knowledge, I feel confident I can tackle parenthood. Unfortunately, I forgot I need to notice how many they have a day! Darn. Looks like Ruby's Centrum plan (one a day, get it?) is not going to cut it. 2-5 is more normal. Thanks to the helpful nurse, we know we can lather up a thermometer in Vaseline and insert it into, well, let's just say we can make our own Play Dough Fun Factory if need be. Ruby apparently heard this plan and it scared the !@#$ out of her because we never had to follow through with the nurse advice.

Oh, and for a nice little glance into the future, my sister changed her toddler's diaper in Ruby's room when she came to visit. I about passed out from the fumes. Good times a comin' when food is introduced I guess!